Unbelievable
by love.Chika
Summary: The Golden Trio and Malfoy are mercilessly forced to read My Immortal. Everyone laughs at Draco. Draco mocks "Vampire". "B'loody Mary" tries to calm everyone down. Hilarity Ensues.
1. Chapter 1

There was a slight 'pop' and four extremely different people appeared in mid-air, a few feet above the polished wooden floorboards. However, on our planet gravity reigns supreme and so, consequently, they immediately crashed down. Such a pity.

Three boys and a girl. They all make a fair attempt at scrabbling to their feet but are so tangled together that the whole group collapse on the floor again.

Eventually, after a lot of swearing and yelling by all, they manage to get up and finally notice where they are. A large circular room with intricately detailed cupboards set into all of the walls and a high ceiling made of white marble.

The one girl, a eighteen-year-old with bushy brown hair and a look that clearly stated that she was trying with all her might to figure out where they were and why, rattled the door handle, irritated, but huffed in frustration when the only exit turned out to be locked.

"What the hell is going on?" the red headed boy wanted to know.

"How should I know, Weasley?" drawled the pointy-faced blonde boy, "I didn't choose to come here," he scanned the room with some distaste, "wherever here is."

Everyone suddenly noticed a piece of parchment tacked to the door. It had certainly not been there before.

"Read it out, Hermione!" exclaimed the one who had been labelled as a Weasley. The green-eyed dark-haired boy next to him nodded his agreement.

"_Dear All_," Hermione read, "_You almost certainly are wondering why you are here. Don't worry, everything will be explained soon enough. However, it would be easier for me to explain this personally. I'll be arriving shortly, in the meantime try not to panic or hex each other. Especially not Mr. Malfoy, I am greatly looking forward to his reaction to the … reason for this meeting_," she looked at the others, baffled, "what does that mean?"

The dark-haired lad shrugged, "No idea, is it signed?"

Hermione turned the note over, "By someone called Jessamine Lily."

"I'd rather you called me Chika," came a voice from behind them all. The speaker was a rather plain girl, around fifteen, with shoulder-length brown hair and sparkling blue eyes and was wearing jeans, an oversized gaming hoodie and a large grin, "and you have no idea how excited I am to meet you all! This is like a dream come true for me!" She laughed delightedly and smiled around at the assembled company.

"Ok, what the hell is going on here?" the blonde boy demands, glaring at the weird girl who had just appeared to come into existence from who-knows-where.

"Calm down, Draco Malfoy, all will be revealed if you give me a chance," Chika giggles, "but oh! I've always wanted to talk to you all! Ever since I was a little kid!"

Malfoy scowled, "and how do you know who I am?"

"Much as I hate to admit it, that's a good point," chipped in Hermione.

"Oh, I know who all of you are! You're Harry Potter, saviour of the wizarding world," she nodded to the dark-haired boy, "but I guess most people would be able to tell you that. But _you're_" she gestured to where Hermione and Weasley were standing, "Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, his most loyal and closest friends. And you're obviously Draco Malfoy, you and Harry have hated each other since you're second meeting - which was on the Hogwarts Express." They stared at her and she beamed back at them.

"Look," Harry fumbled for words, "just what is going on here?"

Chika looked slightly shy, "well… you see…in the future there is going to be a Muggle book series about your years at Hogwarts and it's going to be extremely popular. And all the teenage Muggle girls are going to be changing the story, writing themselves into Hogwarts. And one of them is going to be the worst writer ever. And I thought it would be amusing if you read her work."

"Are you saying that, in the future, Hogwarts will be exposed to the Muggle world?" Hermione looked like she was about to faint.

"Oh no! No, no, no!" Chika gasped, "Not at all! No, the series makes it _easier_ to hide your world! Because no-one believes the series to be true! And whenever anything magic happens then people just pass it off as some kid acting out a scene from the books!"

"…you're a Muggle." Malfoy wasn't asking a question, simply stating a fact.

"Well…" Chika blushed scarlet, "yes, actually."

His lip curled in disgust as he regarded the girl in front of him with utmost revulsion.

"Then," Hermione began with the air of one pointing out the great flaw in the plan, "how are we here? If you're a Muggle then how could you get us to be wherever we are now?"

Chika looked shifty, "I'm not quite sure … so let's not talk about that, ok? It's making me nervous. I know I can't be a witch because if I was then I would have gone to Hogwarts. They don't miss out on anything, contrary to what all the fanfic writers think."

"Fanfic?" snorted Ron, in disbelief.

"Short for 'fan-fiction'. That's what it's called when you take someone else's book and write your own stories using their characters."


	2. Chapter 2

"So are we set to go?" Chika chirped cheerfully. Alliteration had never been so absolutely affectionate.

"If we must," sneered Malfoy, sitting down on one of the two large couches that had mysteriously just appeared in the middle of the room.

"Oh, but you must!" she grinned mischievously, "I'm not letting you out of here until we've read all forty-five chapters!"

Ron choked on air, "FORTY-FIVE?"

"Yup! So we'd better get started, shouldn't we? Hermione, you can read first!" Chika looked positively thrilled at the prospect of spending so much time with her idols.

"Ermm…ok…" Hermione mumbled as the Muggle girl pulled a rather battered book out of her pocket and tossed it over.

The Gryffindor girl cleared her throat. "Chapter One," she announced, "**AN:**"

"That means Author's Note," Chika put in helpfully.

Hermione glared at her but the tiny teenager just fluttered her eyelashes innocently, "**Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)**,"

"I'm splitting my sides here…" drawled Malfoy.

"**2 my gf (ew not in that way)**"

Chika frowned, "I hate that bit, she's implying there's something wrong with homosexuality. It's horrible."

"Are you…" Ron's voice trailed off delicately.

"Yup, got a problem with that?" Evidently Chika's hero-worship of the supposedly fictional characters didn't extend to not defending her choice of sexuality.

"Not at all," he gulped and it occurred to him that - despite the fact that she was 3 years younger than him, of incredibly short stature for her age and had seemingly no magical talent - Chika could be exceedingly threatening when she wanted to be.

"**raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.**"

"She desperately needs to find a better editor," commented Hermione before continuing.

"**U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!**"

"MCR?" Harry frowned.

"Muggle band from the future. Very popular with wannabe-Goth teenage girls. A couple of their songs are alright, I guess."

"Then there's a load of Xs…" Hermione sighed, "that's a really poor way to separate the Author's Notes from the story."

Chika shrugged, "she's a really poor writer," she replied lightly.

"**Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way**,"

"I guess Jessamine Lily isn't so bad after all…" Chika muttered.

"Could you just shut up for two seconds?" Malfoy hissed menacingly.

"Ugh! Fine." Chika hadn't expected him to be like this. Maybe she really _had_ been reading too much fanfic.

"**and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)**"

"What? Were her parents Seers or something?" Ron sniggered.

"**with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)**"

"Can we go then?" whined Malfoy.

"No. She's a Muggle singer, by the way."

"**I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**"

"Because incest is just such a turn on," Harry rolled his eyes, "and who's Gerard Way?"

"Muggle singer."

"**I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).**"

"Oh, great, here we go." mumbled Ron.

"**I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic**"

"American Muggle shop."

"**and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.**"

"Muggle fashion disaster." Chika snickered.** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**

"Cough. Way too much make-up. Cough." Chika's voice was dripping with sarcasm as she actually said the word 'cough' rather than performing the action. The others noticed that she wasn't wearing even the slightest hint of make-up.

"**I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**"

"Charming," Ron said, sarcastically, "she sounds like a really nice girl."

"**"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was….**"

Chika put her hand up to stop Hermione from going on, "Bets, anyone?"

"Dumbledore?" volunteered Ron.

"Voldemort," Harry said vindictively, "maybe he could get rid of her for us."

"I reckon it's one of us," Hermione mused, thoughtfully.

"Who cares?" Malfoy scoffed.

"**Draco Malfoy!**"

"What? It's the truth, Granger."

"No, that's what it says. It's you."

"Oh no…" Malfoy's face drained off the little colour it and Harry grinned maliciously.

"**"What's up Draco?" I asked.**"

"I would never be on first-name terms with her!"

"**"Nothing." he said shyly.**"

"She really is an awful writer," chuckled Ron, "Malfoy is never shy."

Malfoy looked torn on whether to agree with Ron or insult him. He settled for smirking disdainfully.

"**But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**"

"Plot twist!" Chika giggled.

"Then there's more Xs," Hermione groaned, "**AN: IS it good?**"

"NO!" All were united in this cry of denial.

"**PLZ tell me fangz!**. And that's the end of the chapter."

"Do we really have to sit through another forty or so chapters?" moaned Ron pitifully.

"'Fraid so!" Chika actually clapped her hands in her enthusiasm, "Harry, your turn to read!"


	3. Chapter 3

_((Thanks to those who reviewed/favourited/story-alerted! You rock! Love, Chika. xox))_

"**Chapter 2**," Harry read, "**AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**"

Chika sighed, "By the way, preps is just a term which she calls anyone she dislikes. It's probably the worst insult she could come up with."

"Then there's a load of Xs with a 666 in the middle,"Harry announced, "**The next day I woke up in my bedroom.**"

"Rather than in someone else's?" Malfoy sniggered.

"**It was snowing and raining again.**"

"She should really just say sleet…" Hermione sighed.

"**I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.**"

"_Riiiiight_…" said Ron, "because _everyone_ sleeps in coffins at Hogwarts. I mean, it's not like we've got perfectly serviceable four-poster beds or anything.

"Besides," added Chika, "don't coffins normally have lids - not doors?"

"**I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**"

Malfoy groaned, "Do we have to hear about every tiny thing she's wearing _all the time_?"

"Hey, don't blame me! I didn't write it! But, yes, she will continue to go on about her clothes, make-up and other accessories constantly." Chika was beginning to look a little bored. Just a little, mind.

"**My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)**," Harry broke off, "that's her editor, right?"

"Yup."

"**woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**"

"They should start a juggling act and join a circus in make-up like that…" Chika hissed in a stage-whisper."

**"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**"

Malfoy smirked, "I'm even talked about in some little girl's useless story."

"I don't really think that's something to be proud of…" muttered Hermione."

**"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**"

"Yeah, it's not like it's a big deal," Ron chuckled."

**"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin**"

"They're Slytherins. That explains so much."

"Shut it, Weaslebee."

"**common room and into the Great Hall. "No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**"

"Yes!" cheered Ron, "don't have anything to do with him!"

"**"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.**"

"Ooh, Draco," giggled Chika, "I didn't know anyone called you that."

"They don't," he growled."

**"Hi." he said.**"

"I would never talk to her, that disgusting little…"

"Yeah, yeah, we get the point," Chika wrinkled her nose in distaste, "go on, Harry."

"**"Hi." I replied flirtily.**"

"So much for not liking him," grumbled Ron."

**"Guess what." he said. "What?" I asked.**"

"Riveting conversation here," Hermione rolled her eyes. "

**"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**"

"Muggle band," Chika choked out, between bursts of manic giggles.

"**"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR."Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.**"

"No!" yelped Malfoy, "please, no! She's destroying me!" Now everyone was laughing - everyone except the blonde boy, of course.

"**I gasped.**"

"And then?" Ron asked.

"That's it. 'I gasped.' That's the end of the chapter."

"Ooh, cliff-hanger!" Chika grinned, "Right, Ron, your turn to read."


	4. Chapter 4

_((A.N.: By the way, school has started again for me and in three or four months I'll be taking my exams - so I'm really sorry if I'm not able to update as regularly as I was hoping too. In other news, Cwam is awesome. Love, Chika. xox.))_

"**Chapter 3**," Ron declared, "**AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!**"

"Ron!" Hermione chided him.

"Sorry, love, but that's what it says. All capital letters and everyone. **odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!**"

"Because only 'goffs' can give good reviews," Malfoy said, mockingly.

"**FANGS AGEN RAVEN!**"

"RON!"

"I said sorry, right?** oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.**"

"You said that was a band, didn't you?" Harry inquired. Chika nodded, grinning despite herself. She was greatly looking forward to Chapter Four."Load of Xs…**On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.**"

"So the high heels weren't attached to the boots then?" asked Hermione, innocently.

"**Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.**"

"_Booooooooooooooooring_…" complained Chika.

"They why are you making us read it?" Malfoy replied snippily.

"Because it gets better. Or worse, depending on your view."

"**I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.**"

"Because that's what you do!" Harry exclaimed, trying to sound serious but not quite managing.

"**I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert."**

"Blood doesn't actually taste as bad as everyone makes out. Bit metallic but not as gross as prawns or anything. Still pretty horrible, though."

The assembled company stared at the Muggle girl and she shifted uncomfortably.

"Look, I bite my lip a lot and sometimes it bleeds. It's not like I go around drinking _other people's blood._ That'd just be plain rude."

"Right…" Ron gave her a very weird look, "are you absolutely _certain_ you're a Muggle."

"Pretty certain. I mean, it's not like I have an obsession for it or anything. I just don't think it's as bad as people make out. Besides, if my blood spills all over the floor then it's a waste right? Not to mention it ruins the carpet. You have no _idea _how hard it is to get bloodstains out of fabric. It's worse than ketchup, it really is."

There was an awkward silence and Chika sighed. "Let's just get back to My Immortal, ok?"

"**I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.**"

"Since when did you have a flying car?" Ron asked, slightly flummoxed.

"Since this Muggle was a complete and utter…" Malfoy trailed off, staring at the end of Hermione's wand which was pointed directly between his eyes.

"Don't swear in front of her," she jerked her head towards Chika, "and normally I'd say not to insult Muggles but in this case I'll make an exception.""I'm not a kid!" Chika called out indignantly, "I'll be sixteen in June!"

"**He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too),**"

"I can't remember if I told you that they were a Muggle band so I'm just going to say it now."

"**baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).**"

There was massed laughter by all but Malfoy at this last sentence."**"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.**"

"You didn't say that in a depressed way, Ron," Harry mentioned, chuckling.

"Well, there was an exclamation mark at the end. It didn't look depressed to me." "**"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.**"

"Why?" Hermione asked exasperatedly, "There are carriages that take you to Hogsmeade!"

"She was probably sneaking out to go there. She doesn't seem to have any back-story at all so maybe she couldn't get anyone to sign her permission form," Ron said, knowledgeably.

Hermione looked surprised, "That's actually not a bad theory."

"It's happened before." said Ron, seeming a little affronted,

"**On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**"

"Because _everyone _I know does that _all _the time!" Chika laughed.

"More than likely," muttered Malfoy. Chika's vicious glare at him seemed rather out of character for her.

"**When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.**"

"We fell to our death and everyone celebrated." Chika mumbled to herself.

"**We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**"

Chika indicated for Ron to stop reading. "You have to sing the next few lines!" she announced, "you just have to!"

Ron looked confused. "What's the tune?"

She shrugged, "Damned if I know. I usually just listen to Voltaire, Weird Al and Paramore."

"Ok…" Ron came across as rather uncomfortable with that but continued anyway, "

"**You come in cold, you're covered in bloodThey're all so happy you've arrivedThe doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your momShe sets you free into this life."**" His voice was a sing-song tone, much like a Muggle child chanting a nursery rhyme.

Chika giggled with delight while Hermione and Harry smiled, amused. Malfoy, on the other hand, was not so impressed.

"Well done, Weasley. Now if you could just afford a Beater's Bat then next time you might just manage to hit a note."

The resident wizards and witch reached for their wands but were interrupted by Chika motioning for Ron to read on.

"**sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song)."Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing Draco looked sad."What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.**"

"She has all the emotional range of a teaspoon…" Chika murmured, too low for the others to hear."**"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said."Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**"

"See?" the fifteen-year-old was bouncing in her seat, "You don't have to jinx him in order to humiliate him! You just have to read on!""**"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**"

"Nothing wrong with blondes…. Present company excluded," sniggered Ron. "**The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco.**"

"No, I flipping well didn't!"

"**After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into**… the **Forbidden Forest!**"

"Dun, dun, DUN!" Chika shrieked, "your turn, Drakey-diddums-darling!"

"Shut it, you stupid little freak."

"Freak? In what way, darling-dear, am I a freak?"

"Oh, I think you know extremely well! I wouldn't have thought it possible but you somehow managed to become lower than filth. You don't even have the guts to say what you are out loud."

"Fine! I'm a bloody lesbian, ok? Happy?"

"Of course I'm not! I'm in the presence of Muggle scum!"

"Excuse me, raged Chika, "what was that?"

"I think you heard me."

"Why, you little…" she ran up to him, clearly intending to follow Hermione's example from Chapter Fifteen of 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban' - but unfortunately forgot that she was a undersized fifteen-year-old Muggle girl and that Malfoy was much taller than her and also a wizard (even if he wasn't the most talented one around). Consequently, Malfoy had drawn his wand and hexed her before she even got within five feet of him.

Chika flew backwards, colliding with the curved wall behind her, and her head made a ghastly cracking sound as it was hit with a terrible blow from one of the cupboard handles. Hermione ran over to where the girl, seemingly even smaller now as she lay like a broken doll on the floor, while Harry and Ron drew their wands, pointing them at Malfoy.

Twenty minutes and several of Hermione's spells later and Chika was waking up again. She groaned pitifully and clutched at the egg-sized lump on her skull.

"Oh, bleedin' heck," she whimpered, "Why couldn't this have taken place in fanon…"

"Ermmm…" Ron looked distinctly ill at ease now that Chika had come straight out with her supposed 'secret' rather than just assuming alluding to it but not say anything more, "Fanon?"

Chika struggled into a sitting position, "Things that happen in the books are called canon. If it's made up by the fans then it's fanon," she fixed Malfoy with a brutal stare, "In fanon, Malfoy's quite a nice bloke."

She continued to glower at him before speaking again, "it's still your turn to read, you know. And the only reason I haven't exacted someway of getting a horribly gruesome revenge on you is because of the coming chapters."

"Ooh, I'm scared," Malfoy retorted sarcastically.

Chika smiled in satisfaction, "you should be."Malfoy momentarily looked a tad bamboozled then shrugged and took up the book, "**Chapter 4.**" he delivered to the others' willing ears,"**AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!**"

"A Mary Sue is an unbelievably perfect character. Just so you know."

"**DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**" he glanced up at Chika (who was smirking smugly), "I hate you."

"I assure you, the feeling is entirely mutual."

"Xs… then** "DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"**"

"I totally should have yelled that at him during the fight," Chika whispered to the trio of Gryffindors."**Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously."What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily."Ebony?" he asked."What?" I leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness**"

"Evilness is right…" Chika said in an undertone,

"**and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**"

"Because everyone wants an evil depressed guy!" Ron chortled. "**And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.**"

Now everyone was laughing - except Malfoy who was speaking extremely fast, as if too get it over with, with a very ugly look on his face."**"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…."WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"**"

There was a sudden silence.

"…what?" asked Harry, suddenly looked rather relieved about the interruption, "**It was….**"

"Please place your bets!" cried Chika, who was almost back to her normal hyperactive self.

"Voldemort," declared Harry, "he's got to show up sooner or later.

Hermione frowned, "I don't know … I'll go with one of Ebony's ex-boyfriends."

"Snape," said Ron decidedly, "it'd be too much to hope that he isn't in here."

"**Dumbledore!**"

"_What?"_


	5. Chapter 5

Chika cackled with glee, "I know! Isn't it wonderful? Oh, the girl who wrote this is a genius!" The others were beginning to seriously doubt her sanity - and rightly so.

"So who's reading next?" asked Ron.

"I am, of course! After all, everyone else has had their turn."

Malfoy passed Chika the book, throwing in a hate-filled sneer for free.

"**Chapter 5.**" Chika flipped her hair over her shoulder and began to read in an overly dramatic voice. "**AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!**"

"No," said Hermione patiently, "I means you have at least a minor grasp on the basic needs for a story."

"**Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache**"

Harry snorted, "A headache! I've seen Dumbledore when he's absolutely furious and he's never sworn once."

"**ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**" Chika looked up, grinning, "I bet she's gives herself good reviews just so she can continue writing."

Ron shrugged, "Probably."

"Load of random misplaced Xs with a 666 in the middle…and…**Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us an****grily.**

**"You ludacris fools!" he shouted."**

"Aw, c'mon…" Ron scoffed, "Dumbledore would never say that."

**"****I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **Ick, that'd be all sticky!** Draco comforted me.**"

"Like hell I did!"

"**When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.**"

"I knew Snape'd turn up…" groaned Ron."

**"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.** I'd pay good money to hear Dumbledore say 'sexual intercourse'!** "Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.**"

"At least McGonagall isn't _quite_ as out of character as the others," noted Hermione."

**"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**"

Malfoy waited for the laughter to die down before saying pointedly, "At least I'm important enough to be in this piece of filth. Where are any of you?"

Before anyone could reply, Chika chirped out, "Oh, they'll in there later, don't you worry. Anyways, **Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**"

"Of course Snape would let _Malfoy_ off…" muttered Ron.

"**Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. "Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.**"

"Why'd I care about _her_?"

"Because you're both stuck-up gits!" Ron replied and Harry nodded, grinning."

**"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….** Bets!"

"Voldemort was there." Harry insisted obstinately.

"Malfoy was dead on the floor," Ron rejoiced.

"I Avada Kedavra-ed her," drawled Malfoy.

"I don't know," Hermione shrugged, "There's too many variables."

"**Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte.**"

"I hadn't even heard of that scum band until now!"

"**I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed.**"

"Awww…" cooed Ron, mockingly.

"**After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **End of chapter!" Chika finished, throwing the book over to Hermione.

"**Chapter 6**," Hermione started reading, "**AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **Then there's the Xs again with the 666 in the middle."

"She really needs to get a new way to separate the Author's Notes from the story," remarked Chika.

"**The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.**"

"Spray-painting your hair is a really bad idea," Chika cut in, "it'll make it go all stiff and icky."

"I suppose you've tried it," Malfoy raised an eyebrow.

"No but I sometimes get regular paint in my hair when I'm working on my folio for art class."

"**In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal**"

"Which you can't get in the UK…" Chika hissed in a stage-whisper.

"**with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.**"

"Rather than green blood?" Ron chuckled.

"Well, unicorn blood is silver," reasoned Hermione,"**Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.**"

Everyone cheered.

"**"Bastard!" I shouted angrily.**"

"Like you're one to talk," Harry rolled his eyes.

"**I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore**"

"Oh, no…" Harry grimaced in horror.

"**and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.**"

"No!"

Malfoy sniggered, "Let's see how you like it now, Potter."

"**He had a manly stubble on his chin.**"

"Don't worry, mate!" Ron said, laughing, "even when you have eyeliner going all down your face you're still 'manly'!"

But Harry just glared at him.

"**He had a sexy English accent.** We all have English accents!" Hermione exclaimed, shaking her head, "**He looked exactly like Joel Madden.**"

"No, I don't…" muttered Harry.

"**He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.**"

"Suspiciously Specific Denial!" crowed Chika, triumphantly.

"**"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.**"

"Don't apologise to her, Harry!" Ron shouted.

"**"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**"

"I bet that if it were some little first-year you would have jinxed them… but no, just cause it's a guy you like the look of…" Chika mumbled.

"**"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**"

"I swear, I'll curse any of you who even _think _about calling me that," said Harry dangerously.

"**"Why?" I exclaimed."Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.**"

"It's not _that_ funny, mate."

"**"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **Because it's really sensible telling that to the first person you come across."

Chika nodded, "Serves her right if he stakes her."

""**Really?" he whimpered.**"

"'Whimpered', Potter? You whimper?"

"Shut it, Malfoy. Go make out Enoby."

"Quiet, you two.** "Yeah." I roared.**"

"YEAH!" roared Chika, "I am a VAMPIRE and I just YELLED it to the WHOLE SCHOOL!" she giggled, "Enoby is a prat."

"**We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me**"

"And hit her on the head with a Beater's Bat," Ron interrupted.

"**and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.** That's that chapter finished."


	6. Chapter 6

_((A.N.: I've just finished reading _The Strange Disappearance of SallyAnne Perks_ and I still have goosebumps… turned out my theory that she was an animal turned into a human and then given Polyjuice Potion to look like SPOILERSPOILER was completely ridiculous. Ah, well. Anyway, I'm updating twice today to make up for taking ages to do it before. All my reviewers are gorgeous smart funny individuals! Love, Chika. xox.))_

"Harry's turn!" announced Chika.

Harry groaned as Hermione passed him the book, "**Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life**"

"Why does this chapter get a title," Ron asked, eyeing the book with utter distrust.

Chika shrugged, "I dunno, maybe it's especially crap."

"I thought you'd read this before?"

"I have, Hermione, but I can't remember individual chapters. It's all kind of merged into one long experience of shock and horror. I've never managed to get past Chapter Thirty, anyways. C'mon Harry!"

"**AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.**"

"Y'know, Chika, I reckon you're right," said Ron speculatively, "I reckon she gives herself good reviews just so she has an excuse to keep going with her sick fantasy of Hogwarts."

"Wouldn't put anything past a Muggle…" Malfoy muttered but everyone pretty much ignored him.

"**n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!**"

"Like it'll make a difference!" scoffed Hermione.

"**STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!**"

"If she's a Satanist…" Chika began with the air of one pointing out the flaw in the plan, "Why does she say things like 'for God's sake'?"

"Because she's a prat," Harry said sensibly, "Anyway, then there's Xs with a 666 in the middle - no, wait, one of the Xs is a Z but it's still pretty much the same as always I guess - and then** Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs.**"

"Black nail polish!" Ron snorted.

"**I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).**"

"Yes," Chika grinned, "It does actually."

"**I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.**"

"No," said Harry firmly, "Absolutely not."

"**Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…**" Harry stopped and looked at Chika expectantly.

"No point in betting," she sighed, "it'll just be snogging anyway."

"**We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra**"

Hermione and Chika winced horribly.

"**and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)**"

The 'YES' yelled by all made dust fall from the rafters.

"**"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm**"

"Did not need to know…" Ron looked nauseous.

"**when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!**"

"WHAT?" shrieked Malfoy and Harry looked revolted.

"Ugh…"

"Yuck…"

"Like I'd ever…"

"We get it, you two hate each other, get on with it," Chika couldn't help but laugh a little, watching the two boys - so commonly shipped - glaring at each other with utmost loathing.

"**I was so angry.**"

"She's not the only one…" Ron smirked slightly at Malfoy who looked like his head was going to explode.

"**"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.**"

"Yes! Get away from me!"

"**"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded.**"

"'Pleaded'? You _plead_, Malfoy?" Harry mocked the blonde boy's previous comment - but continued reading when he saw that he'd get no reaction out of Malfoy, "**But I knew too much. "No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**"

Chika hissed menacingly.

Malfoy didn't even seem to be paying the slightest attention, he seemed to be in shock. It was decided unanimously to just let him be. He'd get over it soon enough.

"**I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out.**"

"Melodramatic bitch,"said Ron matter-of-factly.

"Ron!" Hermione chided him but she had a small smile on her face.

"**Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what**"

"Ew."

"**but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape**"

"No! Snape is back!"

"Shut up, Ron."

"**and some other people.**"

"Don't we get a mention?"

"No, we probably aren't 'goffik' enough for her," Hermione smiled.

"**"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.** My name is Harry, you…"

Chika laughed, "I assume that's the chapter end then?"

"Yeah."

"Right, Ronnie's turn!"

Malfoy sniggered but was cut off by a glare from the redhead.

"**Chapter 8**," Ron intoned, "**AN: stop flassing ok!**"

"Flassing?" Malfoy looked amused.

"I don't know, maybe she means 'flashing'. Yeah, she wants people to stop displaying themselves her, it's making a feel all hot - like she has an erection, only she's a girl so she didn't get one, you sickos." Chika giggled.

"**if u do den u r a prep!**"

"STEREOTYPER!"

"Argh! My ears!"

"Calm down, Chika,"

"Sorry, 'Mione."

"'Mione?" asked Ron incredulously.

"Yup!"

"I'm not even going to ask…" muttered Harry. Ron nodded in agreement.

"Xs and 666," Ron read, "**Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.**"

"Like I'd-"

"We get it, Malfoy, you are acting like even more of a stupid git in this book than you do normally. **"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.**"

"Hah, right," Chika chuckled darkly, "That's what they always say."

"**My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. **Who the hell is she? We've never heard of her before, right?"

"Not that I can remember," Harry nodded.

Ron shrugged and continued, "**She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.**"

"Another Enoby clone then…" sighed Hermione.

"**Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.**"

"What have I got to do with this? Don't tell me I'm B'loody Mary!"

"**Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.**"

"Worst backstory ever…" Harry snickered.

"**She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed.**"

"No, I'm not because it DIDN'T HAPPEN!"

"**It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.**"

"Why…? Oh, I'm not even going to bother asking."

"**(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )** How come she can spell Slytherin right but not Gryffindor?"

"Because she's evil," Chika said decidedly.

"**"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily**"

"She obviously has no idea how he speaks…" Malfoy commented.

"**in his cold voice but I ignored him.**"

"DETENTION!" yelled Harry, making everyone jump.

"**"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.**"

Hermione frowned, "But if she was going out with _Malfoy_ then wouldn't it mean that it was him who cheated on her, not Harry?"

Ron shrugged, "I've just stopped thinking."

"Like that make a change, Weasley."

"**Everyone gasped. I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.**"

"We've changed points of view?"

"I think so. **I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.**"

"Who the hell is Britney?"

"Merlin knows."

"**We were just good friends now.** Ugh, no. **He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)** My brain is dying…" whined Ron,"**"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.**"

"And I never was in the first place!"

"**"****Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility**"

"No." said Hermione solemnly, "Just no."

"**to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.** End of chapter."

"Malfoy's turn to read!"


	7. Chapter 7

_((A.N.: Again, I'm sorry for the time between updates. I've got to send my art folio off at the end of February and, right now, it's only half done so I've been working on it every minute of my spare time so I haven't really been able to write this. It's not that I don't care! All reviewers are brilliant, by the way. Love, Chika. xox.))_

Malfoy made sure to have a particularly arrogant look on his face as he took the book from Ron and but his drawl sounded a lot more nauseated as normal, "**Chapter 9. AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!**"

"Which explains a lot," Chika noted.

"**dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!**"

"Yeah," Chika nodded, "the guy they got to play Dumbledore in the movies _does_ sound like he'd swear at students."

"Movies are a Muggle thing," Hermione muttered to the purebloods of the room - but mainly to Ron, as she didn't really care if Malfoy understood or not.

"**besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!**"

"Because that excuses for _everything_," said Ron scathingly.

"**and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!**"

"What?"

"Don't even bother trying to work it out, Harry," Hermione sighed.

"**MCR ROX!**"

Chika giggle, "Bit random, but there you go."

"Xs with a triple six in the middle," Malfoy sounded unavoidably bored,** "I was so mad and sad.**"

"If she takes up poetry then I may have to kill myself," Ron groaned.

"**I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me.**"

"I could," Harry grinned.

Chika smiled grimly, "Well, maybe you've forgotten who he cheated on her with."

"I'm trying not to think about it."

"**I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.**"

"Ew…" Chika murmured.

"**Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!**"

"What!" Harry yelped.

"**He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie)**"

"The real Voldemort didn't have a nose either."

"**and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic.**"

"I thought You-Kn- I mean, _Voldemort_ would have been her idol." Ron chuckled nervously.

"**It was… Voldemort!**"

"No, really?" Hermione said with false concern.

"**"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.**"

"I never thought I'd say this…" Harry began, "but wouldn't it be useful if Voldemort just killed her?"

"And the name of the spell is Imperius. The actual incantation is 'Imperio'." Hermione said snippily.

"**"Crookshanks!"**"

"What?" For once, Hermione looked inordinately confused.

"She meant 'Crucio'," explained Chika.

"**I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.**"

"But… if he had Imperio on her… then how could she have done that?"

"And how could yelling 'Crookshanks' help, anyway?"

"**I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.**"

"Which makes absolutely no sense at all in any way, shape or form." Chika sounded supremely unconcerned.

"**"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"**"

"But… if she was in seventh year and so were we… then surely we wouldn't be at school… because that was the year we left?"

"Ron," sighed Hermione, "She obviously doesn't care about that. Dumbledore is still around in her story, after all."

"**I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes**"

"That sounds way more disturbing with Malfoy reading it, Chika snickered.

Malfoy glared at her but kept reading,"**and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.**"

"Arghhhh," Harry moaned, "when will she stop…"

Chika shrugged, "not for a while, anyway."

"**I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?**"

"Oh, wow! No way! How come no-one ever thought of that before?" Hermione exploded in a tirade of sarcasm, "I mean, it's not as if anyone tried to tell you that! Or as if you then disregarded that statement straight away! And why are you swooning over some other guy when you're supposedly still in love with your ex - who, I admit, is a complete and utter git - and you just broke with him without even bothering to hear his side of the story and-"

"Hermione!" yelled Ron, "calm down!"

She sighed, "sorry, it's just that everyone is being so _stupid_."

"**"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.**"

"And then he yelled "Avada Kedavra" and bam! Now you're dead." Chika interrupted.

"**Voldemort gave me a gun.**"

"What?"

"**"****No! Please!" I begged.**"

"Oh, come on," scoffed Chika, "you don't even know the guy. Besides, just yell "Crookshanks" again and then run off while he's screaming."

"**"Thou must!" he yelled.**"

"You know, Voldemort doesn't even speak like that."

"We know, Harry."

"**"****If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"**"

"No! Don't do it! Make him get rid of Malfoy! Refuse completely!" cheered Chika.

"**"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.**"

"The whole WIZARDING WORLD knows by the way you go on about it!" Ron declared.

"**Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.**"

"Never thought I'd see a day when I agreed with Voldemort," sighed Harry mournfully.

""**I hath telekinesis."**"

"Doesn't he mean Legilimency?"

"**he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!"**"

By now, Chika was shrieking with laughter. "I'm sorry," she choked out, "It's just… the way he talks…" she took a deep breath. "Ok, I'm ok."

"**he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.**"

"Bit of an anticlimax there too." Ron said wryly.

"**I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.**"

"Is it just me or does she seem to start every second sentence with 'suddenly'?" Harry asked. Ron nodded in agreement.

"**"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"**"

"I thought she was mad at him?"

"**"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad.**"

"Bleh."

The others looked at Chika, confused.

"What?" Ron asked carefully.

"I finally realised how exceedingly dumb this whole thing is," she muttered, "don't worry about it, keep reading."

"**He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.**"

"Shut up about Joel whatever-his-name-is already!" Ron snarled.

"**"Are you okay?" I asked. "No." he answered.**"

"Good."

"**"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.**"

"Yeah, we got that bit. After about three billion paragraphs of you going on about it."

"**"That's okay." he said all depressed**"

Harry laughed, "I'd be depressed too if I was going out with her."

"**and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.**"

"Ew. Anyways, I'm guessing that's the end of the chapter?" Chika asked.

Malfoy nodded, not looking at her.

"Alrighty then. It's my turn to read!" she grabbed the book off Malfoy and began.

"**Chapter 10**," Chika read in a childish sing-song voice, "**AN: stup it u gay fags**" she faltered here and then took a deep breath and continued, "**if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!**"

"Can we-"

"No,** ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle**"

"Hermione never was a Muggle…" growled Ron.

"**afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!**"

"That makes little to no sense at all."

"Then there's the Xs and 666 and everything and then** I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.**"

"Vlodemort…" Harry mused.

"**I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.** Crappiest band name ever.** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.**"

"I'm guessing Slipknot is another band?"

"Right in one, 'Mione.** The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire,**"

"But I thought she had never met him before?"

"Ron, this is My Immortal. Logic is not applicable. **Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now.**"

"Don't even think about it," Ron muttered mutinously.

"**He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)**"

"No."

"**and Hargrid.**"

"_Hagrid_ is in her band? I'd have thought he wasn't 'goffik' enough."

"**Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s**" **(there's no way I'm writing that)**"

"But she wrote it earlier!"

"You're using logic again … **or a steak)** She's written it as the meat-steak instead the wooden type, the prat. **and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **Which really isn't that depressing. Oh great, more Costume Porn. **I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.**"

Ron had a sudden inexplicable coughing fit that sounded strangely like "Yeah, right."

"**We were singing a cover of 'Helena'**"

"But she just said that they wouldn't be singing today!"

"**and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **Because she had just realised what a useless singer she was.** "Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.** I don't think that means what she thinks it does."

"I don't think most of these words mean what she thinks they do."

"True. **"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. **Wow, what a load of bitch.** And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry!**"

"Stop with the swearing," Hermione complained.

"**But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice,** You've barely met the lad!** even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **I thought it said she was crying before?"

"Now _you're_ using logic."

"Good point. **Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall**," Chika laughed, "I don't think she meant it to sound like that."

"You never know, maybe she thought it would sound exciting and dramatic," Harry shrugged and Malfoy snorted at these words.

"Well, she was wrong on _so_ many levels. **"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!"**"

"Wow, she actually got something right for once," exclaimed Ron.

"**(c is dat out of character?)** Surprisingly enough, it isn't.** I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive.** Just when she was doing so well!** Then he ran out crying.**"

"Awww…" mocked Ron.

"**We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily!**"

"Oh great, more out of character swearing."

"**His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **How did you know? Bet your useless singing gave him a headache, anyway."

"It never said her singing was bad."

"Yeah, but I bet it was. **"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)**"

"Crying wisely. Right…"

""**Ebony Draco has been found in his room.** Better than to be found in Enoby's room, perving on her again.** He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."** YES!"

There was a great cheering and celebrating. Even by Malfoy because if he was dead in the story then he wouldn't have to make out with Enoby anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

_((A.N.: Apparently, I'm really crappy at updating. But you guys already knew that, didn't cha? Of course, it doesn't help when FF doesn't let you into your 'My Stories' tab for TWO WHOLE WEEKS! Anyways, my brain is melting from so much studying and, on a completely unrelated note, I hate exam prelims. Reviewers, on the other hand, are fabulous brilliant gorgeous individuals who should be given all the cookies. Apart from the ones that go to me. I'm sorry that there's only one chapter, I try and do two at the weekend. I'm pretty busy at the moment. Real life and all that. Love, Chika. xox.))_

Once everyone had calmed down, Chika threw the book at Hermione's head. It wasn't intentional. Really.

Fortunately, Hermione ducked and, after she had retrieved the book and sent a reprimanding look towards Chika, began reading.

"**Chapter 11**," she declared, "**AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111**"

"Bet you a Galleon that it is," Ron muttered to Harry.

The Chosen One shook his head, "no bet," he replied, grinning.

"**it delz wit rly sris issus!**"

Malfoy snorted in derision.

"**sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid**"

"It will be," Harry and Ron said together.

"**brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!**" Hermione sighed, "if Raven really did help her with the spelling and such then I'd hate to see what it was like before it was edited," she glanced back at the book, "and then there's the Xs with the 666 in the middle," she cleared her throat, "**"NO!" I screamed.**"

"YES!" cheered Chika.

"**I was horrorfied! **I'd be more horrified if she actually spelt something right! **B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off**"

"Don't say stuff like that to Hermione!" Ron yelled and then turned bright red as everyone stared at him.

Hermione smiled,"**and I ran to my room crying myself.**"

"Crying … herself?" Harry looked utterly bamboozled.

"**Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.**"

"Right…?" Chika frowned, "why does she automatically assume everyone is lusting over her? Egotistical little bitch."

"**Anyway, I started crying tears of blood**"

"She should go to Madam Pomfrey about that," Ron snickered.

"**and then I slit both of my wrists.**"

"Enough with the wrist slitting already…" Malfoy sneered.

"**They got all over my clothes**"

"What did?"

"The blood, presumably.** so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park**"

"I don't know if I've mentioned them before," Chika cut in,"but they're a Muggle band."

"**song at full volume. **Which would damage your ears, possibly permanently. **I grabbed a steak**"

"What? Did she suddenly need a snack?" Harry laughed.

"**and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.**"

"Yes! Do it!" shouted Ron.

"**I was so fucking depressed!**"

"Come on, get it over with!"

"**I got out of the bathtub**"

"Die already!"

"**and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it**"

"Hurry up!"

"Uhh… Ron?" Harry nudged his redheaded friend - who was currently jumping up and done in excitement - with a wary look on his face, "I don't think she's going to do it."

"Awhhh…"

"**sandly.**"

"Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside," sung Chika, "I do like to be beside the sea, I do like to stroll upon the prom, prom pr-ARGH!" she shrieked as Malfoy stomped hard on her foot, "Damn you, blondie."

"**I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.**"

"Ouch," Chika muttered, thinking about the weight those things would put on her ears.

"**I couldn't fucking believe it.**"

"Well, I can't believe you didn't DIE!" Ron growled.

"**Then I looked out the window and screamed…**"

"What?" Harry asked eagerly.

"**Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me!**"

"…what?"

"**And Loopin was masticating to it!**"

"No, really, what?"

Hermione shrugged, "that's what is says," she shrugged, "I've no idea why Lupin would want to eat a video tape."

Ron furrowed his brow, "where did it say that?"

"Masticate means chewing," Hermione explained.

"Oh, ok then." The group felt that, by this time, anything was accepted.

"**They were sitting on their broomsticks.**"

"Since when could Snape ride a broom?" scoffed Ron.

"**"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED!**"

"But she just described the dress she had on … didn't she?"

"Yeah, she did, Ron. I think she might have just forgotten," Harry replied.

"**ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!"**"

"They're not - because you're not naked!" cried Chika, exasperatedly.

"**I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.**"

"On top of her dress," added the Muggle girl.

"**Suddenly Vampire ran in.**"

"Oh, this should be good," sniggered Malfoy.

"You can't talk, you're dead!" snapped Harry.

"**"Abra Kedavra!"**"

"What sort of killing curse is that?" Chika looked sceptical.

"**he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.**"

Hermione and Chika carefully avoided each others' eyes and thanked the heavens that Hogwarts didn't have sex education classed.

"**I took my gun**"

"Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more," intone Chika solemnly, ignoring the strange looks sent in her direction.

"**and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times** - even though the gun would have run out of ammunition by then -** and they both started screaming**"

"Probably realised how ugly she was," Ron chuckled.

"**and the camera broke.**"

"Unlike Justin Bieber's voice!" Chika shrieked.

There was a sudden silence as all turned to stare at her.

She shrugged, "what? It's true."

"Ok then," Hermione looked rather freaked out, "**Suddenly, Dumblydore**"

"Who does she think she is, Madame Maxime?"

"**ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed**"

"Don't want to think about that…" muttered Chika to herself.

"**that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**"

"Has what?" Ron asked, frustrated.

"**he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…**"

"The whole world exploded and everything went to normal?" Harry suggested hopefully.

**"Hargrid ran outside on his broom**"

"Since when did they make brooms big enough for Hagrid?"

"That's probably why he was running.

"Good point."

"**and said everyone we need to talk. **Speech marks were invented for a reason, you know.** "What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"**"

"What?" The confusion in the air was almost tangible.

Chika groaned, "She's got Hagrid mixed up with Cedric Diggory."

"**"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…."**"

"Right?"

"**Hargirid paused angrily.**"

"But?"

"**BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"**"

"…ok then." Harry shrugged.

The others looked at him incredulously.

"It makes about as much sense as everything else in here."

"Which is … none at all."

"Well… yeah."

"**"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him.**"

"He was shot … by a wand?"

"**"There must be other factors."**"

"Seriously, who even speaks like that…" Ron shook his head in disbelief.

"**"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!"**"

"Any what?"

"Factors, I guess."

"**I yelled in madly.**"

"In madly?"

"It's what it says.** Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.**"

Chika snickered to herself.

"**The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"**"

"Surprising enough, that actually made sense," Harry remarked.

"**I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.**"

"Yeah, we're all very familiar with that feeling," snorted Ron.

"**"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.**"

"Clook?"

"Cloak."

"Ah, right."

"**And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him.**"

"What?"

"**I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.**"

"Just kill yourself already."

"Ron!"

"He's got a point, Hermione."

"Fine. **"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly,**"

"In the air?"

"I don't know either.** waving his wand in the air.** Maybe that's what she meant. But with Enoby, Merlin knows.** Then swooped he in**"

"What?"

"Just stop asking."

"**singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.**"

"Muggle band," explained Chika, wearily.

"**"Because you're goffic?"**"

"'Goffic'?"

"I know, I know. **Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraid**"

"Oh, I though he asked in an afraid voice because he wasn't afraid at all!" gasped Chika.

"**it meant he was connected with Satan.**"

There was a collective sigh.

"**"Because I LOVE HER!"**"

"Right then…" Ron looked rather nauseated, "if I fall in love with her too, will you please kill me?


	9. Chapter 9

_((A.N.: Hey, guys, guess what? No, the men in white coats haven't come to take me away yet (they're due on Monday). Anyway… I'd make some petty excuse about my updating (or lack thereof) but I think you've all got the gist of how I'm in the middle of exams and have to revise more than is probably legal. This is quite a long chapter - comparatively, anyway - so I'm just going to post in on its own and then get to my _manuel scolaire français. _Reviewers, as aforementioned, are pretty damn awesome. Love, Chika. xox. P.S. Happy birthday, Misery, darling! I hope Theda dies.))_

* * *

"Harry, your turn."

"Alright," Harry looked apprehensive but began reading despite this, "**Chapter 12. AN: stop f,aing**"

"'F-aying'?"

"Eff comma ay eye enn gee."

"Right…"

"**ok hargrid is a pedo** What.** 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat**"

"I never want to go anywhere near America then…" Ron mumbled and Chika nodded.

"**I wunted 2 adres da ishu!**"

"She could better address the issue by not classing everyone in her writing as either a 'prep' or a 'goff'!" Hermione said shrilly.

"**how du u no snap iant kristian **Because he isn't?** plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony**"

Ron and Hermione looked hopeful at these words but Chika just sighed and Malfoy looked like he couldn't care less.

"**dat was sedric ok!**"

"So she really did get Hagrid mixed up with Cedric…" remarked Hermione.

Chika shrugged, "I did say she did, didn't I?"

"X with a triple 6..." Harry continued, "…and **I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me**"

"What sort of person gives their girlfriend a knife?" Hermione looked sceptical.

Ron shrugged, "Malfoy, maybe?"

"**in case anything happened to him.**"

"So basically he told her that if he died she should kill herself. That is quite literally one of the most ridiculously sexist things I've ever heard," Chika pulled a face.

"**He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy**"

"Is she a witch or not?" Ron muttered and Hermione smiled at him.

"**but I knew that we must both go together.**"

"Oh geez, it's like Twilight all over again…"

"Twilight?"

"It's a book about a girl who's in love with a vampire who sparkles and they're dating and there's this werewolf - except he's not really a werewolf - in love with her too and… you know, on second thoughts, just forget about it."

"**"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire.**"

"What? How can you get Harry and Hagrid mixed up?" Ron snorted.

Chika rolled her eyes, "She's Enoby, she's a prat."

"**He started to scream. "OMFG!** Ohmafuhguh?"

"Ehh, don't worry about it."

"**NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!"**"

"She's got you down pretty well, Potter," Malfoy sneered.

"**and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.**"

"Looks like you've got egg on your face!" Chika looked around hopefully, "No? Ok…"

"**I stopped.**"

"Stopped what"

""**How did u know?"** Maybe because I _felt_ it?** "I saw it!** How could I _see_ it _hurting_?** And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"**"

"You can see your own forehead," Chika giggled, "Wow, that is _freaky_!"

"**"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!"**"

"Even though Dumbledore specifically says in the first chapter of the first book that he can't affect - so it'd be unlikely anyone else could - and then even if he couldn't he wouldn't which implies that something bad would probably happen if somebody tried to do something to it … but whatever."

"**I shouted.**"

"Enoby seems to do a lot of shouting," remarked Hermione.

"**"I do but Diabolo**"

"That's me, right?"

"Yup. Congratulations, Ron, you're now more powerful than Dumbledore! And stupider - but most people are so don't feel too bad about that."

"**changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation."**"

"What's the point in changing its shape if you're just going to cover it up?" Hermione asked, exasperated.

"Well, you'd look pretty silly going around with a pentagram on your head," Ron pointed out.

Chika giggled, "I don't think looking silly really matters to goffs."

"**he said back.**"

"The word 'replied' was invented for a reason!" For some reason, Hermione sounded rather vexed.

""**Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me!**"

"Oh no! He isn't quite so goffic! It's a tragedy! Please, please save him!" Chika was still giggling in that irritatingly high-pitched and manic manner of hers.

"**then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco**"

"I thought I was dead," Malfoy scowled, "How can anything be happening to me?"

"…**.Volfemort has him bondage!"**"

There was a ten second pause as everyone processed what Harry had just said - and then Malfoy started yelling.

"There is not bloody way that it says that! Give me that book, Potter!" Malfoy snatched the book of off Harry, took one glance and immediately dropped it again, letting out a sting of swearwords. Meanwhile, Harry, Ron and Hermione were alternating between disbelief and deep amusement while Chika tried to stop herself from choking with laughter.

Once everybody had calmed down a bit - or, in Malfoy and Chika's cases, a lot - they continued.

"**Anyway I was in the school nurse's office**"

"You mean the Hospital Wing?"

"**now recovering from my slit wrists.**"

"What?" Ron looked - understandably - confused, "When did this happen?"

"She slits her wrists every five minutes anyway. I bet she was just walking along the corridor and realised, 'oh oops, I haven't slit my wrist in over half an hour!' So then she did it extra deep to make up for it! Maybe there's some sort of contract making her do it or something," Chika was giggling. Again.

"**Snap**"

"Crackle and Pop," murmured Chika.

"**and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's**"

"Because they've gone bananas! No? Ok…"

"**after they recovered cause they were pedofiles**"

"Technically they're not because, at seventeen, you're of age," Hermione threw in.

"**and you can't have those fucking pervs**"

"But if Hagrid is Cedric then he's only like… twenty… anyway. Which _is_ pretty old but still."

"**teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.**"

Hermione sighed, "If they really are paedophiles then they shouldn't be teaching whether there are 'hot gurlz' there or not."

**Dumbledore had constipated**

Ron snickered but everybody else - including Chika, surprisingly enough, - kept an ridiculously straight face.

"**the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.**"

"Ooh, _so_ badass!" drawled Chika.

"**Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed**"

"I thought he was being taken away to St Kiwi's or whatever she called St Mungo's," Ron frowned.

"**holding a bouquet of pink roses.**"

"Aww… he's such a sweetie…" cooed Chika.

"**"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig."**"

"Don't worry, we all already know about your gofficness and love for Enoby."

"**he said in a v. serious**"

"Serious face," Chika intoned, looking mind-wrenching sombre.

"**voice, giving me the roses. "Fuck off."**"** I told him.**"

"Well, that's not very nice! And after he went to the trouble of buying you flowers too!"

""**You know I fucking**"

"Stop swearing," moaned Hermione.

"**hate the color pink anyway,**"

"How can you not like pink? It's the very essence of femininity! So pretty!" Chika exclaimed, a scarily mindless look in her face. The others tried to edge away from her a little.

"**and I don't like fucked up preps like you."**

"I thought he was a Satanist now?"

"**I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.**"

"I'd be mean to someone who had ticks too. Anything to keep them away from me. Nasty little beasties! They should all be dowsed in paraffin and then have lit matches 'accidentally' dropped near them. And so should the ticks!" Chika grinned manically. The magical occupants of the room edged away a little more.

"**"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."**"

"They were described as roses about ten times - and now suddenly they're not?" Ron furrowed his brow.

Hermione hushed him, "I want to see if they turn into something goffic!"

"Make no less sense than everything else in this," Harry chuckled,** "What, are they goffs too**"

"They're more goffic than you! Ooh, _burn_!"

It was unanimous decision to ignore Chika when she started saying things like that.

"**you poser prep?"**"

"A poser _and_ a prep? You might as well be a Hufflepuff, you're so low!" crowed Chika.

Who then pouted when she realised that no-one was paying any attention to her.

"**I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.**"

"What a load of bitch!"

Chika was starting to sulk. _Chikas die if people ignore them, you know,_ she thought viciously.

"**"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied."**"

"She actually said 'I replied'?"

"I guess so. **"You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton**"

"She's some random Muggle celebrity type person who's, like, mega-rich or something. I don't know, I don't pay much attention to celebs," Chika shrugged.

The others acknowledge that they'd heard this and Chika grinned to herself.

"**p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)**"

"Yes."

"**to it he added silently.**"

Chika coughed importantly and everybody looked up despite themselves.

"I have a very important announcement to make," she, not surprisingly, announced, "My dear darling little sister will be joining us."

"WHAT?" yelped Malfoy and Chika grinned.

"Yes, indeedie, my blood-obsessed friend. There will be _two_ Muggle girls in your presence. This is because today, the twenty-first of April, is my sister's fifteenth birthday and she asked me, in jest, for a ticket to Hogwarts. I told her that I couldn't do that but I would allow her to read My Immortal with the main characters of the books. Needless to say, she was overjoyed."

"Well, wouldn't you be if you could meet the person who'd been the object of your musings for about … eightish years?" This was from a small slender girl, dressed all in black and varying shades of dark blue and deep purple, who'd just skipped through the locked door - without bothering to open it first.

"I present to you the most lovely Misery Anna!" Chika giggled to herself at the expressions on the book characters' faces.

"Your name is Misery?" Hermione looked sceptical.

The girl rolled her eyes, "Marissa Anna, actually. Everyone calls me Missy and Chika insists it's short for Misery."

Chika shrugged, "Well, when you're goffic what am I supposed to think?"

"Gothic, dear, _gothic. _Only Enoby and her band of clones are goffic," Missy said, rather primly, sitting down on a rather chintzy chair (in this context 'chintzy' means fussy, quaint or would-be genteel) chair that definitely hadn't been there a few seconds ago.

"Close enough. Anyway, happy birthday."

"Thank you. Look what Grandmama bought me!" Missy pulled a large cage out of thin air and onto her lap. In that cage was a rather large spider.

Ron turned pale - and so did Chika.

"A spider? A flipping _spider_? Oh, Grandmama really has gone too far this time."

"It's hardly my fault if she isn't overly fond of you. And it isn't just any old spider, it's a tarantula! Isn't she beautiful? I'm calling her Theda," Missy poked a finger through the cage grid, smiling in an overly eerie manner. How Chika puts up with such a morbid sister is anyone's guess.

"She is not beautiful and she should be dowsed in paraffin and then have a lit match dropped near her."

Missy tutted, "Just because you're scared of spiders doesn't mean they're monsters that should die. They're quite exquisite creatures really. Anyway, you have Catullus and I didn't have any pets so it's hardly fair."

"Catullus is a sparrow. He is adorable. Theda is a spider. She is not."

"I think Theda is prettier than Catullus - and she's certainly more interesting."

"I hope she bites you and you die."

"Tarantulas aren't poisonous, Chika."

"Hmph," Chika looked sulky while Missy remained supremely poised. But only because it was her birthday. If it had been any other day Chika would have totally beaten her.

"Now, don't we have a load of useless to read?"

"Only if you put that … _thing_ away."

"Certainly." Missy pushed the cage into disappearance, with the air of one merely posting a letter into a post-box.

Chika looked over to the Boy Who Lived, who had watched the proceedings without really being sure of whether to laugh or frown - this was similar for most people who say Chika and Missy arguing, and with a tone so sweet that it would have made Umbridge grimace and say 'Oh, that's a bit much, isn't it?' addressed him, "Harry, if you will?"

Harry picked up the book again and began again, "**"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.**"

"Wait," Missy interrupted, "what bit are we at?"

"Hagrid just visited Enoby in the Hospital Wing with a bouquet of pink roses," Hermione told her.

"Thank you, Hermione."

"**He pointed his wand**"

"Hagrid's wand is broken," Ron cut in.

"Yes, but she said it was Cedric earlier." Hermione explained.

Missy pulled a face, "Cedric's dead so it still doesn't work."

"Stop trying to make sense of My Immortal, it's not going to happen," Chika grinned her manic grin.

"**at the pink roses. "These aren't roses."**"

"Yeah, you already said that," muttered Ron.

"**He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .**"

"What?"

""**That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.**"

"So very wise!" Missy exclaimed, "You could give Dumbledore a run for his money!"

"Oh, totally," Chika agreed, "Like, she's even wiser than she is goffic!"

"Oh, damn, that's just _so_ wise!"

"I know!"

""**I know,**"

"I'm psychic!" Chika exclaimed delightedly.

"_So_ psychic," agreed Missy, amused.

"**I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed.**"

"What, did someone say 'Crookshanks'?"

""**Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out,**"

"As cool is antonymous to goffic that would be precisely … no-one." Whilst Chika's grin was manic Missy's smile was rather … disturbing. And adorable. But mostly disturbing.

"**there, that is a tribute! specially for raven**"

"I thought she hated Raven?"

"So did I, Ron. **I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"**"

"Imo not okayo? What sort of language is that?" Chika wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Goffic-ese?" suggested Ron.

"I like the sound of Goffinch," Missy said with another smile.

"**And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air.**"

"Ooh, pretty!" Missy giggled. And, like practically everything Missy did, it was disturbing.

"**And it was black.**"

"Yeah, 'huge black flames' kind of tend to be," Chika snorted.

"**Now I knew he wasn't a prep.**"

"Unless it's all a disguise and Hagrid is just pretending to be a goff so that he can get close enough to Enoby to murder her."

Chika shook her head, "Don't get their hopes up, Misery."

""**OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"**"

"Wuhtuhfuh?"

"What the swearword," explained Chika.

"Yes, what _is_ Malfoy?" Ron laughed.

"A ferret obviously," Chika replied - but not loud for anyone to hear. Getting your head cracked open once is enough for anybody.

"**Hairgrid rolled his eyes.**"

"As anyone would when they're forced into close proximity to Enoby."

"**I looked into the balls of flame**"

Chika giggled wildly until Missy glared her into silence.

"**but I could c nothing.**"

"Should've gone to Specsaver's," Chika quipped.

""**U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said,**"

"When did he turn up?"

"**watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)**"

"So much hilarity," Missy said solemnly.

"**u mst find urslf 1st, k?"**"

"She's right there in the Hospital Wing, she already knows where she is." Chika seemed to have a habit for completely missing the point.

""**I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!"**"

"Take a chill pill, Enoby!" Chika rolled her eyes.

"**Hargrid yelled.**"

"That was Hagrid?" Hermione looked shocked.

"**dUMBLydore lookd shockd.**"

"Can't blame him," said Ron.

"**I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.**"

"Enough with the headache excuse already!" cried Chika.

"**Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed.**"

"Wow, so hardcore."

""**U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"**"

"No, that's you."

"**Anyway when I got better**"

"When did this happen?"

"**I went upstairs**"

"Why?"

"**and put on**"

There were large amounts of groaning following this sentence.

" **a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.**"

"Did anyone even bother listening to that?" asked Ron.

Everyone shook their head, including Harry.

""**You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary**"

"Isn't that Hermione?" Missy, who had last read this piece of uselessness about four months ago, asked.

"Yeah. **said sadly. "Fangs (geddit)**"

"Ha," there was a long pause as everyone stared at Chika, "ha."

"**you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset.**"

"About what?"

"**I slit both of my wrists**"

"She just remembered her contract!"

Surprisingly enough, Missy didn't ask what contract Chika was referring to and instead just sighed indulgently.

"**feeling totally depressed**"

"If I looked like that I'd be depressed too!"

"**and I sucked all the blood.**"

"As you do."

"**I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time.**"

"Even although they were sent to St Nutty's."

"**I went to some classes.**"

"For a piece of utter atrocity, this sure is boring."

"**Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures.**"

"Redundant Department of Redundancy!" crowed Chika and Missy smiled.

"'Hair'?" Ron said incredulously, "What is she on?"

"**He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco.** Shut up with that theory, why don't you? **He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.**"

"As you do."

""**Hi." he said in a depressed way.**"

"Enough with the depressedness!" Missy, who was a Perky Goth about fifty percent of the time and a Deadpan Snarker the other fifty, glowered.

""**Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.**"

"We get it, you're depressed, he's depressed, the whole school is Depressed City! New subject please!" Chika grew bored quickly.

"**We both looked at each other for some time.**"

"Yawn," said Chika.

"**Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos.**"

"They probably go to the same place to buy their contacts," Missy commented brightly.

"**Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.**"

"What?"

""**STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle**"

"I think Aragog would make a good teacher. And he could eat all the pupils who misbehaved," Missy remarked randomly.

The others were beginning to see how she and Chika were related.

"**who was watching us**"

"What was she doing in Care of Magical Creatures, anyway?" Hermione frowned.

"**and so was everyone else.**"

"She's going to call them all perverts now, isn't she?" Ron sighed.

""**Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him.**"

"Bitch."

""**Stop trying to screw me.**"

"Hey, from the way you wrote it, it was apparently mutual!"

"**You know I loved Draco!"**"

"Past tense there."

"**I shouted and then I ran away angrily.**"

"She spends a lot of time angry," Hermione observed.

"Can't be good for her blood pressure," Chika grinned.

"**Just then he started to scream.**"

"Crookshanks!"

""**OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.**"

"What?"

""**NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.**"

"Wait, we've already heard this bit, right?"

""**I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"**"

"Definitely heard this before."

"There's a lot of Xs again with another triple six and **SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111**"

"Right?"

"**HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I**"

"Couldn't she just ask instead of writing it in her story?" Hermione sighed.

Chika shrugged, "Eh, probably. That the end then, Harry?"

"Yes, there isn't even an 's' in 'is'," Harry passed the book over to Ron.

* * *

_((A.N.: Does anyone (apart from me) want Missy to go away? She'll be upset if I write her out but it was really just for her birthday - if you like her, though, she can hang around some more. Her comments on gofficness might prove to be mildly hilarious.))_


	10. Chapter 10

_((A.N.: As always, I apologise for my lack of updates. Love, Chika. xox. P.S. I am sixteen now and therefore much more mature and worldly. And if you believe that then you'll believe anything.))_

* * *

Chika stood, hands on hips, staring at the wall. The surrounding people gave her some very strange looks but she ignored them. The view swings around so that Chika is now staring out of your computer screen at you.

"Alright! The majority of you have voted for Misery to leave so…" Chika snapped her fingers, a superior look on her face. Missy vanished, leaving behind nothing but a black hair ribbon and a faint scream of rage. Chika picked up the ribbon and continued:

"I really don't blame you, she can be very annoying," the remaining people - all magical, of course - were exchanging very strange looks behind Chika's back. _Why on the earth was this peculiar girl talking to a wall?_

"Anyway, a lot of you have also commented on the fact that I talk too much and don't give our canon characters enough lines. This is correct. To solve this problem, I will now be reading out the lines from My Immortal and they shall be commentating. I shall attempt to keep shtoom."

Malfoy visibly perked up at this news.

"And finally, I am giving you the chance to vote for another canon character to be included. You want Luna Lovegood or Teddy Lupin? Fine! Perhaps you prefer Sirius Black, Colin Creevey or even Albus Dumbledore? Great! This is not limited to those who survived to the end of Deathly Hallows. I have one restriction, though. No Voldemort. No matter how much you beg, plead or grovel; I _refuse_ to have anything to do with the Dark Lord. Ok? Good," Chika turned and smiled at the boys and Hermione, "now let's get on with the reading."

"Umm… ok then," Ron muttered, exchanging looks with Harry.

"Something the matter?" Chika asked innocently.

Hermione got straight to the centre of the problem, "Chika, you were talking to a wall."

"Your point? Walls have ears, you know."

Everyone edged a little further away with a _don't_ _upset the crazy person_ look on their face.

Chika laughed, "Oh, don't worry about it. Anyway it's me to read, of course. From now on, it's always me to read!" she cleared her throat, "**Chapter 13. AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!**"

"Did anyone understand that at all?" Harry asked. It was the general consensus that no, no-one had any idea what had just been said.

"Load of Xs and then a triple six … **Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.**"

Harry sighed. "Remind me why I care about Malfoy?"

"You two used to be dating," Ron snickered.

"Oh yes. Now I remember. Unfortunately."

"**"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.**"

"The amount of detail she puts into these scenes is astounding," Hermione said scathingly.

"**"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?"**"

"Oh, come on! Dumbledore would never say that!" said Harry, disbelievingly.

"**he asked angrily. "Volsemort has Draco!"**"

"Well, that's ok then. After all Volsemort is nowhere near as evil as Voldemort," Ron grinned.

"**we shouted at the same time.**"

Hermione's eyebrows rose, "You _both_ said his name wrong?"

"**He laughed in an evil voice.**"

"Dumbledore? Evil?"

"**"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!"**"

"No, you don't," Ron muttered.

"**we begged.**"

"You beg, Pot-" Malfoy saw the look on Harry's face and shut up.

"**"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco.**"

"Come _on_. Dumbledore wouldn't say that about any student," Harry scowled.

"**Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway."**"

"What?" Ron and Harry burst out laughing and even Hermione smiled. Chika collapsed in a fit of girls but sobered up as Malfoy glared mutinously at them all.

"**then he walked away. Vampire started crying.**"

"Were they tears of blood?" Hermione sounded contemptuous.

""**My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)**"

"No, I don't!" Malfoy was almost livid.

"**"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood.**"

Everyone stared at Hermione. "How do you do that?" Ron asked, impressed.

She shrugged, "It doesn't take much, all of them cry tears of blood after a while."

"**Then he had a brainstorm.** I thought it was Harry who had the lightning bolt on his head!"

"I thought you said you were going to stop talking," said Malfoy, pointedly.

Chika rolled her eyes, "It was only one comment. **"I had an idea!" he exclaimed.**"

"That can't be good." Ron said in a stage-whisper.

"**"What?" I asked him. "You'll see." he said.**"

"Not telling anyone else the plan … sounds like Harry!" Hermione said teasingly.

Harry grinned sheepishly.

"**He took out his wand and did a spell.**"

"Wow!" Ron exclaimed.

"**Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!**"

"Well, that's no good … it's Voldemort I'm after," Harry chuckled.

"And you can't do that. You can't Apparate in or out of Hogwarts!" Hermione repeated the mantras in a long-suffering sort of way.

"**We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon**"

"Croon?"

"Yep. Croon.** voice say. "Allah Kedavra!"**"

"What?"

"**It was… **Bets anyone? No? Ok. **Voldemort!**"

"I guess he was visiting, maybe?"


End file.
